England's Babysitting Service
by RubyContract
Summary: Never ever... Never should he have taught (or attempted to) that wanker, magic. Now, the other nations have been turned into kids with England and America to take care of them. Will they fix this mess? Or will England snap and pull out Busby's chair? Will anyone help them? And why couldn't they have been turned into cats? One thing is certain: England is way in over his head.
1. Prologue: Never Ever

_England's Babysitting Service_

_Prologue: Never Ever_

**X-x-X-x-X**

"_Hey England! Can you teach me some magic?_"

That was were all the trouble began. Never _ever _should he have submitted to that wanker's lowly tricks.

Barricaded in his room, England heaved a deep breath, scouring his grimoire for a solution to this calamity. Downstairs, there was a loud _thud! _followed by several children shrieking.

"See what you do, Prussia? Disgraceful!" Austria's high-pitched voice chimed, piercing the floor, reaching England's ears, and making the island nation _cringe_. He _had _to find a way to fix this mess _America _made.

How did he get that picture of him sleeping with that unicorn plushie, anyways? Seriously, how?

"England! Romano pissed on the carpet!" America called from downstairs- he sounded frantic.

Speak of the devil.

"Take care of it, you twat!" England shot back, leafing through the book's thin, yellowed, pages. A breeze wafted in through the window, making the black gossamer curtains flutter. The grimoire turned a page in response to the breeze.

This _needed _to be fixed. Either a kid was going to be forced to sit on Busby's Chair, or he was going to go completely off his trolley.

"Really?" America whined, barely audible over the shrieking of the child nations. _Yes_, _child nations_. America had managed to babify the Allies (plus Canada) and the Axis (plus Prussia, Austria, and Romano) nations.

Upon seeing what America had done, it took everything he had to not strangle the ninny right on the spot. He _had _specifically instructed America to _not _perform _any _magic without supervision. So what did the bloody git go and do?

Why, he performed a devilishly tricky charm that even England had trouble getting right, without any supervision! And of _course _the other nations _had _to be visiting and they _had _to be in the same room as America when he performed the spell.

"Really! It's your own bloody fault we're in this predicament anyways!" England snarled, ripping a page out of the book in his own anger. "Oh, bloody hell!" he swore fervidly, chucking the grimoire across the room.

He was _terrible_ with children!

Why couldn't America have went and done a spell that would've resulted in body-swapping? Or reverse genders? Hell! Even them being turned into a bunch of cats would've been preferable! _Anything _but a bunch of sniveling, snot-nosed, high-pitched, hyperactive brats. At least you could ship cats off to some shelter. Greece probably would've been more than happy to take them all in... But _kids_! There was no way to get rid of them. He and America had to take care of those evil-smelling ninnies until they found a way to reverse the spell or England killed them all. The second option was beginning to look _very _tempting.

Oh, and of course America _had _to remain his annoying adult-self. Why couldn't he be turned into a kid, too? He was so cute as a kid!

"Where's the cleaner, England?" America called out.

A vein throbbed in the island nation's neck. "You don't know?" he snapped- but was drowned out by Italy's wailing.

"Get up!" Germany barked.

"Hey! Italy! You can just push yourself up, ya' know?" There was the _pitter-patter _of America's shoes against the wood.

"Unbelievable…" England muttered under his breath.

Unbelievable was what this entire situation was. Some of the children were good, others tolerable, and the rest…

England, in what precious little spare time he had, composed a list. A list for future reference.

_Children that I won't kill:_

_Germany- (Responsible, tries to keep the others in line, makes his bed)_

_Japan- (Quiet and reserved, respects his elders)_

_Canada- (Keeps quiet, you don't even know he's here half the time)_

_Children I might kill:_

_Italy- (Cries and whines, and is high-maintenance. Good-for-nothing)_

_Russia- (He's Russia)_

_China- (Acts as if he's older than me- well… he is, but I'm the adult now! Get over it!)_

_Austria- (Keeps pounding on the piano. I'm about to throw that stupid thing out) _

_Children I will kill (or exact vengeance from):_

_Prussia- (A huge show-boat, cries "Convert the non-believer!", impulsive, and annoys the other kids to no end. Plus he's underage drinking! Do you know what weird looks I'm getting whenever people spot him drinking beer?)_

_Romano- (Pisses on my carpet, cannot find the bathroom, swears a lot, and picks fights with the others, before getting beaten up and crying at ridiculously loud volumes)_

_France- (Arrogant little arse) _

_America- (Not a kid, but he's the reason that we're in this bloody mess)_

"No! Prussia! Stop!" America screeched. "We don't run with swords draw- FU-"

England just groaned, burying his face in his hands.

* * *

_Here is my super-short preview to this new story idea I had in mind! I'll probably get to the next chapter sometime this week. Yup… Next chapter goes back to right before the babification! This story will be composed of a bunch of short one-shots revolving around the children, with the basic plot-line of "England has to find a way to reverse this spell" to hold it together." Be expecting other nations to drop in and out from time to time in order to liven things up! I'm also a bit bad at humor, but I will try my best! Any tips are much appreciated! :D_

_I hope you enjoyed this short-short special! :3 _


	2. The Day They Got the Job

_England's Babysitting Service_

_The Day They Got the Job_

**X-x-X-x-X**

The day when it had all happened was just a normal, peaceful day. The sky was a clear eggshell blue, marred only by the faintest puffs of wispy white. It wasn't humid, nor a dumb temperature like ninety degrees. In fact, some would consider it a "beautiful" day.

Except, England was having a horrendous morning. He had woken up to the news that the Royal Family had just been featured in the tabloids for Prince Harry's latest stunt, and Britain was now the laughing stock of Europe. Poor England had been so ticked when he heard the news that he spilled his morning cup of tea all over his lap- leaving his vital regions with a painful second degree burn, and soiling his favorite Mint Bunny pajamas.

To add insult to the literal injury, America had barged in on England while the island nation was in said soiled pajamas. After laughing his head off for about ten minutes straight, the wanker went ahead and managed to wheeze that he had taken the liberty to invite the rest of the Allies (plus Canada) and the Axis (plus Austria and Germany and Italy's evil siblings) over for a party.

England could've executed him then and there- but… He was a gentleman. And it would be totally uncouth to brutally murder some prattling child (who clearly was a little slow) at nine in the morning.

So the island nation nodded his head, forced a smile on his face, and said "That would be lovely".

America beamed, "Woah! Really?" he enquired, his mouth hanging open like an idiot. All he was missing was the drool to perfect his aura of stupidity. A muscle in England's jaw twitched, but he kept the smile on his face, despite the incredible effort it required to keep it there.

"Of course; I was planning to host a party today anyways," England replied with a biting note he hoped the wanker would detect.

Of course America totally missed the sarcasm.

"Sweet!" America laughed. "Remember, after the party- magic lessons, m'kay?"

England heaved a deep breath, gripping the edge of his dresser tightly, his knucklebones turning white. "How could I forget?" he replied with an acidic sweetness not _even _America could ignore.

The wanker got the hint and left the room, flashing England and his rumpled pajamas- one last smirk.

England seethed, the tips of his ears turning red. _That bloody twat! Ever since he got the blooming picture, he thinks he can do whatever he wants!_

* * *

Three hours later, and England was in the kitchen- determined to let nothing else ruin his day. He grabbed the whiskey bottle from the liquor cabinet and poured himself a glass- sipping it all the while he tended to the scones.

He _would _make the _best _meal that those bloody gits had _ever _had and they'd be on their knees, _begging _him for the recipe, and calling _him _the "Best Cook" and _forget _all about _France _and his _ridiculous _cuisine. Like, seriously, snails, really? Who in their right mind would eat that shit?

The timer _beep_ed, letting England know that the sheperd's pie was done. England took another swig of whiskey and hustled over to withdraw the pie from the oven.

The island nation placed it on the cupboard, inhaling the savory smell. _Perfect_… he thought as he watched the steam spiral off the flaky golden crust. _This will show them! _England laughed- imagining their faces as they tasted his cooking. They'd be flabbergasted.

Sure, England had used the internet to get the recipe- but hey, it was still fair game. As long as they didn't know about his "shortcut", everything would be perfect.

The groaning of the front door, followed by a chorus of chattering voices, told England that the other nations had arrived.

"Yo' Iggy!" America called from the parlour..

England blazed a vivid beet-red. "WHAT?" he hollered.

"The other nations are here!"

England rolled his eyes, adding a dash of celtic sea salt to the beef stew simmering on the stove. "Yes, I can hear all of you! Next time just charge in on a bunch of elephants. You'll be quieter that way!" he shot back.

"Ok... What'cha doing?" America replied.

The island nation groaned and took another sip of whiskey.

"You 'k, man?" America inquired after hearing no response from England.

"I'm fine, you ninny!" England snarled, liberally beating the scone batter with a wooden ladle.

"Yeah, 'k… Just get down here when you're done with whatever sorcery you're doing."

England sighed, pouring the scone batter into the mold and sticking it in the oven.

At least it was just a simple party. Sure, his house might get wrecked- but he could always send America the bill. After this hullabaloo was done with, the island nation vowed to relax with some earl grey and embroidery. _Nothing else would ruin this day_, England vowed.

Too bad.

* * *

The lounge was just one revolution short of complete anarchy.

Romano was sitting on a chintz pouf across from Germany, mumbling obscene words under his breath, while exchanging dark looks with the serious-faced nation. Veneziano was trying to (and failing) act as the mediator between the two- his mouth moving at a hundred miles an hour, adding to the noise level and producing no results.

Japan was hiding out in a corner, playing his PS Vita, occasionally leaning to the side to avoid the pillows (and the rare book) as Prussia and Austria quibbled with each other (They contributed to most of the noise). Meanwhile, poor Canada was being used as a chair cushion by Russia, while the other nations were completely oblivious and wondering where he was. France, he was staring at himself in his compact mirror- admiring his beauty, and America…

Well, he was doing the typical American thing! A.K.A. practically screaming for the others' attention while slamming his hand against the wall. The only nation that was bothering to give him any attention was China.

"Listen up guys! Hey! Guys! Can you-"

A hardcover copy of _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows _sailed through the air, nailing him straight in the face. He crashed to the floor, twitching convulsively like a dying spider.

That got everyone else's attention.

"Oh dear," France trilled, flipping his hair in a dramatic fashion.

"See what you do?" Austria snapped, glowering at Prussia. The former powerhouse shrugged, his red eyes glinting devilishly.

"It wasn't me who threw that book," he retorted.

Austria clenched his teeth together and adjusted his glasses. "Really?" he pressed.

Prussia nodded, a lazy smirk on his face. "Yeah, pretty sure," he drawled.

Austria huffed, "Then who was-"

"Does it really matter?" Germany barked, rubbing his forehead. "All that matters is that someone has been hurt," he snapped.

"Not that badly you potato sucker. Stop overreacting," Romano spat, gesturing wildly at America- who was staggering to his feet, looking rather dazed. "See? He's just fine."

Japan sat his handheld on the coffee table and stood up, looking at America with a concerned expression. "Are you ok, America-san?" he questioned.

America nodded, straightening his glasses, and gave everyone a winning smile. "Of course I am! I'm the hero! And heroes don't die in stories!" His expression turned thoughtful, "Unless it's _Game of Thrones_, but that's a different story."

"So what are we going to do?" Prussia asked, sounding bored, "Germany brought the beer- but beer is always better with entertainment."

America practically _glowed_.

"Ve, what are you doing America?" Veneziano asked.

"Well…" America smiled wickedly.

"Dear me, America-san… What do you have planned?" Japan's eyes grew wide.

China tilted his head to the side, "I hope it isn't anything reckless. You are young and have a lot to live for. You must-"

America waved him off, "I know gramps," he sighed. "It isn't anything dangerous, really. England has been teaching me magic-"

"WHAT!" The outcry was unanimous. Never- in all of America's years- did he see all the nations look that surprised.

"So it is dangerous!" China gasped, jerking his head back.

"Ve, so are you going to pull a rabbit out of a hat?" Veneziano opened his eyes, staring innocently at America.

"If that cheeseburger-eater does that, I'm going to his house and demanding a refund for wasted time," Romano grumbled, folding his arms.

"Why would he do such a stupid thing?" Austria gaped incredulously at America.

"Oh, it's England. He has a soft spot- in his head of course," France chuckled. "To be honest, I'm not surprised."

Prussia snickered.

Germany groaned, burying his head in his hands.

"Oh, so are you going to perform a spell of sorts?" Japan stated, sitting back down in the velvet armchair and clasped his hands together, placing them on his lap.

America held his hand out, pointing at Japan. "Ding! Ding! Ding! And we have a winner!" he laughed.

"Is England-san fine with this?" the bushido nation probed.

America snorted, waving off Japan's question. "It's fine! I was meticulous in researching this! It's all cool!"

Japan smiled darkly, bowing his head. "So that's a no," he muttered under his breath.

"Is this what you brought us here for? To show off?" Germany asked.

America shrugged, gathering all the wayward books off the floor. "Well, I just thought it'd be cool and all. After this, we can rock out to some Guitar Hero and make bad internet memes that go viral."

Prussia kicked his legs up, using Austria's head as a footstool, "Sounds like a-"

"Get your legs off of me!" the disgruntled nation snapped, reaching up and attempting to move the former nation's feet.

"Help… Can't… Breathe…" Canada whispered.

Of course, no one noticed him.

Russia shifted around in his seat, earning a loud squeak from Canada. "Well, let's just get this over with, da?"

America nodded, extracting an old, leather-bound book from the haphazard pile he constructed and flipped through the pages. "You said it!" He stopped on a page, quickly scanning it over. "'K...See… Here…" he mumbled under his breath and adjusted some of the furniture. "Does anyone have any chalk or something like that?" he asked, lifting his head up and staring expectantly at everyone else.

"I brought a paintbrush and some ink," China offered, extracting a thin paintbrush and a bottle of calligraphy ink.

"Thanks man!" America exclaimed gratefully and took the supplies from China. He swiftly drew an intricate magic circle, filling out all the details with painstaking precision.

"Whew!" he puffed, straightening himself and handing the brush and bottle back to the ancient nation. Everyone stared at the circle he drew.

"Are… you sure you have that right?" Japan questioned. America nodded zealously and showed the design in the book to the bushido nation.

"Yup, right down to the last swirl!"

"Erm…" Japan fidgeted anxiously.

"What now?" America sighed, shaking his head.

"What… exactly… is this spell supposed to do?" Japan continued.

America snorted and gestured at the room. "This spell will revert this room to an earlier state, say- before you guys came in and made a mess. Pretty simple really, basically… A time-reversal spell."

"How is that any different that England's cleaning spell, you bastard?" Romano huffed petulantly.

America chuckled and ruffled his hair. "England's cleaning- well, it cleans up spills and broken dishes, and the like- but it doesn't repair damage. This spell- can be used to fix derelict buildings, ruined clothing, and all sorts of sweet stuff," he explained.

"Moi, moi, how convenient!" France winked at America.

"Very well," Germany sighed, "Can we get on with it?"

All the other nations nodded in agreement.

America bobbed his head up and down, and took a deep breath, holding the book out in front of him. "Here it goes!"

An electric current of energy wafted through the room, causing everyones' hair to stand on end. The lights flickered while the chandelier swayed precariously. A misty blue aura gathered around America, thickening and shrouding him in a crackling cloak of magic.

_Converte nunc contraria est…_

* * *

Meanwhile, England was almost done with his cooking. All he needed was the Yorkshire pudding to cool off a bit and then it was all set.

A chill ran down England's spine. He froze.

_This feels like-!_

His eyes grew wide.

_This can't be magic though! The only person- wait- no… people- oh… DAMMIT! _

"AMERICA! YOU BLOODY WANKER!" he shrieked, dropping everything and sprinting out of the kitchen- down the stairs.

..._Quam fuit ante illam, et terga pro tempore, se-_

* * *

A tempest of energy swirled around America, whipping the curtains into a frenzy. The book's pages fluttered, whispering to each other.

England charged towards him, his hands crackling with a mint-green energy. "_YOU BLOODY TWAT_!" he roared.

"Huh?" America tilted his head to the side, releasing the magic.

It _exploded_.

"_Dammit! Protego!_" England barked, throwing a shimmering shield around him.

The room was enveloped in a flash of brilliant cobalt light. The wind roared in England's ears- stealing away the cries of the startled nations, as they were flung from their seats.

"_Nu_-" England began, but the light cleared: leaving a bewildered America, a horrified England, and a gaggle of confused child nations.

Veneziano wore a white handkerchief on his head and a white maid dress; Germany- his hair not slicked back and wearing blue overalls; Japan- in a simple rose-colored kimono; Romano dressed similarly to his younger brother; Prussia- in his Teutonic Knight outfit, and so on…

England's jaw dropped, his eyes wide. He turned to America- too shocked to blast the wanker into a million pieces.

America laughed feebly, rubbing the back of his neck, "Oops! That wasn't supposed to happen!" he smiled abashedly.

England recovered- throwing daggers at America, who visibly wilted at the island nation's livid expression.

"I think it happened… because you… interrupted me…" America trailed, diverting his gaze.

The island nation growled and held out his hand. "_Incendio!_"

* * *

_And that concludes how the nations got turned into kids! I can't believe that my fail attempt at crack got that much reception! O3O Well… as a reward… Here's more fail crack for you! XD All updates from now on are going to be pretty short- since they're one-shots mainly focusing on the kids' hijinks. Be expecting a lot of zaniness and Harry Potter references is all I can say! X3 On to my reviewer reply!_

_Guest: Oh, Iggy could cast that spell… but he never bothered to… too busy getting drunk while cooking… I'm glad you enjoyed it! Yush, Chibi! Prussia is my favorite child-nation! He really hasn't changed at all, has he? X3_


	3. Put That Kid in Diapers

_England's Babysitting Service_

_Put That Kid In Diapers_

**X-x-X-x-X**

Sniffling from the pain, America slathered a generous amount of burn ointment on his arms, while England continued to give the American nasty looks. "I can't believe you tried to set me on fire," he mumbled under his breath as he screwed the lid back on the ointment and placed it back in the medicine cupboards. "And besides, why are you following me around now? Shouldn't someone be watching the other nations?" he continued, looking back to give the island nation a chaffed stare.

England glowered darkly at America and folded his arms. "I placed a sleeping spell on them, that should buy us a bit of time while I try to figure this mess out," he snarled- his mint green eyes flashing demonically.

The American shuddered despite himself. In all his years, he _never _saw England get that _pissed_. "I still don't see what this has to do with letting me go to the bathroom by myself," he grumbled. England shot daggers at him, clenching his fists tightly.

"It has everything to do with it, you ninny! Why would I let you use the loo by yourself after what you just did?" he jabbed his finger at the American. "You already ruined my day, I'm not going to let you ruin the bog either! I have to crap too!"

America stared blankly at him, "Huh?"

England hissed through his teeth and leaned over the sink, biting back a string of colorful words. This wanker had already rebelled against him, ruined the Fourth of July forever, along with a whole other string of misdemeanors. He would _not _let America take away his sanity… or toilet.

"Get out and go check on the kids," he pointed towards the door. America raised an eyebrow at the island nation.

"Say what? You told me they were slee-"

A high-pitched cry shattered the American's sentence. England grimaced. "They're nations- my magic isn't quite as effective on them as it would be on humans."

The wailing continued. America sighed, rubbing the back of his head. "That's going to give me a headache…" he whined. England smiled evilly at the American- a black aura radiating off of him in waves.

"Like you do to me on a daily basis?"

America assumed an air of hurt innocence, "Really?" he pouted. A vein in the island nation's neck throbbed- a sickly blue heartbeat against a field of ruddy red.

"Either you get out or I turn you into a frog. I need to use the loo and I'll be damned if you rob me of that- now- _out_!" he growled.

He looked so dangerous that America didn't bother to argue with him. Closing the bathroom door behind him with a _cla-click_, the American heaved a loud sigh and slumped against the wall. "He looked positively Russian there…"

More voices joined the wailing.

"I better go check on all of them…" America grumbled, pushing himself up and walking down the staircase.

**X-x-X-x-X**

Meanwhile, in the lounge- Romano was dancing around wildly, clutching his crotch, and making inhumane noises- causing Veneziano to wake up and start crying. "R-Romano! Wh-what is wroooonnng?" the younger Italian wailed. Romano whimpered, screwing his eyes shut and looking away from the rest of the (understandably) bewildered nations.

"Sh-shut uuuup!" he hollered, squirming around and looking very uncomfortable. Austria sighed, and being the pompous little kid he was- smoothed out his plum tunic and adjusted his glasses before announcing (much to Romano's horror): "He probably has to go to the bathroom. Spain did mention there were some issues with bed-wetting."

Romano blushed brightly, "Y-y-YOU BASTARD! Chigi!" he screamed, throwing Austria a murderous glare. _Damn him! Damn that tomato bastard! Who else did he tell? _

"Romano! Why didn't you go before?" Germany snapped- looking as stern as ever despite being half as tall. The southern Italian hissed, his face contorting into an acerbic mask that would've melted steel if he was still an adult. As of now- he looked more pathetic than malicious.

"Go and suck on some potatoes you bastard! I didn't have to before!" he snapped, his hazel eyes shining. Germany rolled his eyes and placed a hand on his forehead- shaking his head in disbelief.

"Oh dear, perhaps we should look for the bathroom then? It wouldn't do to have him go on the couch," China suggested- his expression one of big-brotherly concern.

"Damn right , it wouldn't!" Romano snarled, feeling mortified. _If I manage to grow up again- I swear to God that I will pay both the hamburger-eater and the tomato bastard a visit! _

"And the smell would simply be atrocious," France remarked needlessly- suppressing a smirk.

"Yo', what the hell is going on here?" America asked as he stepped into the lounge.

"Big brother needs to find the potty, ve!" Veneziano blurted out.

"Shut up, stupid!" Romano cried, stamping his feet against the ground, with a face as red as China's mandarin jacket. America's eyes went wide, his jaw dropping.

"Say what?" he yelped.

"You heard them you fatso!" Romano scowled, "Now take me to the bath-bathroom, chigi!" he demanded. America gaped incredulously at the southern Italian.

"Can't you find it on your-"

"JUST TAKE HIM!" Austria and China roared- making the American jump.

"God… you're a bossy lot," he grumbled in an undertone as he scooped Romano up into his arms and left the lounge- hurriedly making his way back up the stairs. _Surely, England has to be done by now_.

Too bad. He wasn't.

"ENGLAND! LET ME IN!" America roared, slamming his fist against the bathroom door repeatedly- making it shiver with each impact.

"NO, YOU WANKER!" England hollered back. "NOW STOP WAILING ON THE DOOR OR YOU'LL BREAK IT DOWN!" he continued.

Romano whimpered, fidgeting around restlessly. America stared at the child with a determined expression.

"Don't worry, young one. You _will _get to the toilet in time- the hero will never-"

"Shut up and get the fucking door open already, chigi!" Romano yelped.

"Brace yourself," America straightened his coat's collar. "I'm going to break down this door."

"Like hell you are! I warn you! I have a curse ready if you even so much as-" England shouted.

_Thwam! _America threw his weight against the door- splintering it. "One more time!" he cried enthusiastically and charged once more.

"AMERICA!" the island nation screeched- throwing the book he was reading on his lap to cover his vital regions as the American crashed through the door- smashing it into a million pieces. "What the hell? Have you gone completely off your bloody trolley?" he spat.

America heaved a deep breath, clutching tightly onto Romano. "You need to get off the toilet- _now_!" he barked. England shook his head fervidly, raising a hand in mid-air. Green electricity crackled around it- smelling strongly of tea.

"Absolutely not! Now get out or you'll have an excuse to be stupid once I get through with you!" England snipped.

America shook his head, "N-no man! You gotta hear me-"

"One…" England began- his eyes narrowing. America whipped his head around wildly, absolutely panicked.

"Th-this kid is-"

"Two…" the island nation continued.

"DAMMIT IGGY! HE'S ABOUT TO PISS ALL OVER-"

"Uwaah…" Romano mumbled and buried his face in the fabric of America's coat. America's eyes widened in horror as he heard the faint hissing sound, followed by a warm feeling seeping throughout his shirt, and the splatter of yellow liquid on shoes. His _new _shoes.

"Fuck."

England sighed- shaking his head and waving away the magic that surrounded his hand. "You should've just let him outside," he stated primly and resumed reading his book. "Now, get out. The child did his business."

* * *

_Poor America… XD I apologize for this lame chapter… I really do… As I said before… I suck at humor… but yeah… not much to say except sorry for such a long wait for a crummy chapter, I'll do better next time (I hope) and if you have any suggestions or ideas, don't hesitate to speak up… ;u; _

_It's always better to let Romano go outside than to crash on Iggy's toilet break is the moral of that story. X3 _

_-Ruby signing off. _


End file.
